Things I need to remember.

All I can think about when you post these back and fourths, with whoever that girl is, is that quote from Girl, Interrupted.

“Help me understand, Dais ‘cause, I thought you didn’t do Valium. Tell me how this safety net is working for you. Tell me that you don’t take that blade and drag it across your skin and pray for the courage to press down. Tell me how your *daddy* helps you cope with that. Illuminate me. ”

You wanna talk about feelings, but you dont want to talk about facts. You wanna have me spill my guts, but you dont wanna have me make a mess.  You wanna have me be reserved but you dig it when am all over it. You wanna talk emotions? YOU wanna talk? Well I wanna talk. So Shut up, and Let me talk. Cause when you talk, all I hear is incoherent contradictory murmurs that make complete sense. You call it humility, I call it mystery. You call it being a good person, I call it penance for your sins. Everything I say is a grain of sand, every word, every note uttered. Pile them one by one, dont take handfuls, I want you to handle each grain. Each Word. Each Note. Know them. Hold them. and Build something. Everything will depend on what you build, This is a test. You have no time limit. You are your only limit. So Build, dont let me stop you, go! do! You are the problem, you are my problem. So Here I am… build. So you built, and now that you built. I get to take a look. So I am going to go take a look… Looking…. Climbing. I see you, I know you are there, and I feel it, your making me high with this thing that you have built out of everything that I have said. You decided to make me a tower so high, that I can hardly breath. You intrigue me, and I am climbing. Exploring, deciding with every step and glance if where I am is where I want to be. Reaching the top, your visual presence is no longer recognizable, but your presence is undeniable. This feeling is unfathomable. Its like this. And I jump. I step off the tip top, and I accelerate, I fly, I move so fast, and fear sets in. I am the Essence of Panic. Every Heart Beat begins to test the will of my heart to live. I swiftly move to ecstasy. A Bonafide Addict. And when I hit that wall, the world, my orientation flips. the compass spins. North may be south, but South is definitely North.  I emerge on the other side flying through a world of semi foggy water.  The temperature is mild, warmth to the core, I smell smells like lavender and mint. The light that is somewhere throbs in a golden orange. Its not quite the snap, quick, awake moment you would imagine, but the faster and longer I move through that body, the more I melt.  Bubbles wrapping around my body like I am molten metal in a bath of cold water.  Melting, sinking, and melting. My mind melts, and the drips fall, and my heart explodes. With every drip and drop and moment that passes, My being becomes less of a fact, noun, tangible object and more like a feeling, more like a sound, more like an invisible effervescent spirit. You built this, you sent me here, now why don’t you join me? what is it about what you have created that you fear so much? what is it about me losing myself that makes you stand paralyzed in fear? It certainly has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with you.  This is all you, I cant even say I made you do this. You had the choice and you made your choice, and now your choice scares you? Maybe its your power, have you ever really thought about the power of action that you have so innate within you? The one act of burning energy, like  a word or a touch or a thought of thinking or maybe the lifting of a finger could send shockwaves of chain reactions from one end of this universe to the next. Have you ever seen the effects of your power? Or is this the first time that the actions you have done or just not impeded have now became something so amazing and actually glorified that you cannot bring yourself to acknowledge it? OH creator, oh human, Oh person of soul, you stand there, in awe of your own creation. I simply said what the hell, with a desire for exploration and adventure, I took a single step, and now I am simply the substance of emotion. Suspended within a body of nothing. Filling, and diffusing across an entire body of nothing. Soon, before you even know it, like now, I will be spread from one corner of this to the other. What could you do? You couldn’t destroy me if you wanted to. I am everywhere. You could always break the container, whatever contains this nothing, and spill it all over the floor. You could, but then you would have a mess on your hands and we all know what you think about messes. But Now I am, what you have made me, and I can in fact still be me. a Being, if I choose to be. But I have not chosen because you have not acted. Ball is not just in your court, Its your game! you just scored, and now what? You are in awe of your own talent. Oh careful ye of little faith. You never know what you may become when you least expect your actions to matter. IN FACT, i should infect you. I should infect you in fact. because fact is what you destroyed. because of your creation of emotion. You in fact created emotion by destroying fact. in fact if I could infect you with facts, they would be destroyed and you too would have emotion created within you. Digest it. Restrict nothing. Allow all to emerge. For what it is, not what it may be or could be. Exactly. what it is. oh brick of text. how you quiet my mind.